Exactly 1 Year

Jan 15th, 2009 I walked out of my marriage, taking my children, and moved in with my mom. The next few months were emotionally hard. I remember sleeping a lot for a while – at least until the nightmares started. I had about 3 weeks of those, then the turning point came in about May. This is my life, and I get to live it on my terms. What though, did I want that to look like?

I’ve spent the months since taking a very hard look at the WHY behind my choices, and the beliefs that have driven that WHY. Many of them have been painful to reflect on and recognize, and yet, each time I have also noticed that doing so has shifted them. I’ve released a ton of negativity and self-defeating internal messages. It’s astounding to me how much of a difference that has made in every aspect of my life!!

There is one belief though that made it all possible – it came up before I left last year.

It was mid-December and I remember waking up feeling agitated that day. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but it was intense. So I decided to clean the house – one of those mindless tasks that would keep my body moving and hopefully help me work whatever-it-was out.

By the time I got to the last room of the house, I’d become downright angry. I remember thinking, “what do I do with this when I finish cleaning?” But I couldn’t stop. I finished. Stepped out into the hallway and it hit me: I deserve better than this.

The idea went through my mind, but I felt the energy of it through my body. It was a totally new concept – and I stopped cold in my tracks. “If this is a new concept,” I asked, “what the hell have I been telling myself all these years?”

I went in and sat on my bed for about 10 minutes as the waves of realization hit me – all the things I’d done and allowed to happen in my life, how the men I’d dated – and the one I’d married – had treated me, the dreams I’d left undone…  all based on that one belief about myself: that what I was getting in my life was what I deserved.

That one moment, changed the direction of my life. Permanently. Just a year later, I’m now earning my masters degree at a highly rated college while working full-time and raising my kids as a single-mom. My community of family and friends has grown – and is full of people who love and support me and my dreams.

I know I couldn’t live my daily life without them. But I also know I’d never even have attempted to create this life without that single belief – I deserve better – finally hitting home with me.

Adjusting

Dead tired, operating on 2 hours sleep, I was finally laying down when my son came into my room. Bedtime had passed, but he had something on his mind and had wanted to wait until everyone else was asleep so that he could talk to me privately. I really enjoy the fact that my kids know they can come talk to me, but I was so tired my eye-balls hurt. Now? Really? OK.

“Mom,” he says, “I’d be willing to go stand in the rain and cold again.”

It took me a moment to figure out what he was referring to. “After school?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re used to having me around before and after school, huh buddy.”

“Yeah. This is hard.”

Every part of me wanted to tell him that it was 10 times harder for me – getting up at 3am to study, not getting to bed until late, working full-time, carrying a full-load for a masters program, and leaving something left over for them, let alone for myself. But I also knew none of that mattered to him. He’s 9. He wouldn’t get it and what he really needed was to be heard, not compared or competed with.

“I know, buddy. It is hard. And you’ve been doing a great job. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that.” I also wanted him to grasp the bigger picture somehow. “There are trade-offs though, ya know? Having a job now, we’ll be able to get into a place of our own, you can be closer to friends and have your own room again, and we’ll have some money to do fun things.”

“I know.” He certainly didn’t sound convinced.

“There are many families that this is their routine always. For us, it’ll just be a few years until I graduate, and then we’ll see. I love being around before and after school, and I need to be able to provide for us too.”

I could tell by the sighs across the dark room that he was disappointed and yet, he knew.  It was just a hard transition to be going through.

He gave me a long hug and went back to bed. I laid there wondering, questioning myself: Am I doing the right thing? And is it the right thing for me, or for all of us? Am I being selfish? Or am I making the kind of sacrifice that will be utterly worth it in the long run? What are my kids learning from this? And what do I want them to be learning from this?

In the end, I believe I am doing the right thing – for all of us. But it’s not easy for any of us. I’m not the only one making a sacrifice, but I won’t be the only one who benefits either. I want them to learn what it means to pursue what you love, do the work up front, and be able to enjoy the payoffs later. The payoffs won’t come for a couple of years or more, but they’ll come – and then we’ll be glad we made it.

I hope.

A place to start.

What does it really mean to pursue your dreams? What does it look like in the nitty-gritty of daily life? What does it really take to overcome obstacles or confront fears and doubts?

I wish I had the answers to these questions. And I wish that I could answer them once and be done with asking them again. But that’s not how it goes – at least not for me.

For everyone, life is different. For me, I’m a single-mom, getting myself off of state assistance, working full-time and pursuing a master’s degree. This past year saw a lot of change as I left my 12 year marriage and began to take a hard look at myself.

I’ve taken a break from this blog for a while, but am hoping to return and share what I’m doing, what I’m working through, and what it’s really like. Maybe I’m as narcissistic as everyone else with a blog and a Facebook page. Maybe I just need a place to put the stuff that goes through my head. And maybe, if someone else sees a little piece of themselves in any of this, we can be of support to each other and lessen the sense of isolation and loneliness that can so easily come with having a lot on your plate.

I make no promises. We’ll just have to see how this goes!

Ahhhh… I love making calls and hearing how much what I do really matters and makes a difference. I feel so blessed!

Attracting Success

I remember when I was in real estate. I was young compared to my colleagues – 25 – 29 years old. It was my first real “career” and I was in a steep learning curve. One of the first things I needed to learn was goal setting and achievement. Everyone kept telling me all about how to break things down into various steps, or how to create SMART goals, etc. etc. None of it worked.

When that failed, I was told I just needed to work harder, generate more activity, it was just a numbers game. That didn’t work either. At the end of each day I went home exhausted, cranky, and miserable. I constantly asked myself, “Why am I such a failure at this?”

Sound familiar?

Today however, was a completely different experience. I have a goal and I know what the steps are. My mentors are teaching me how to be more effective at each step. Those peices are the same, even though I’m in a different industry. What’s different though, is how I FEEL at each step.

Before, I’d complete a step, mark it off, and think, “That was so hard and exhausting I don’t ever want to do it again.” Not exactly encouragement to move forward! But I’d gather the will and force myself to do it again.

Today, when I complete my step I thought, “This is so cool! I love this. Yes! I want more of this in my life!” The motivation to repeat it, is 100 times higher and far more natural.

What’s the difference?

Before, I was doing what I thought I “should” do. Today, I’m doing what I really want and love to do. I’ve done tons of internal work to figure out what it is that I really want in my life, and life coaching has been a tremendous peice of it. The results however, speak for themselves.

I love what I do every day. I’m generating more results, faster and with less energy drain than I ever have. All because I took the time to understand what is fulfilling to me, and learned how to honor that in my life. It’s an ongoing process, of course, but I’m still thinking, “Yes! I want more of this in my life!”

When was the last time you felt that way about something in your life?

Compass can help.

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More Money Memories

It fascinates me how many memories about money are popping up – and all the ways in which they’ve influenced me without my even being aware of it. Not all of them are bad though.

I remember as a child that I used to LOVE money. I can remember dumping out my piggy bank on my bed just to see how many coins there were. I loved counting them, and saving them up. I loved the way they felt in my hand, the cool metal against my palm. Hearing them clink and clank together always made me smile.

So what changed (no pun intended)?

There came a point when I no longer felt as if the money was mine to play with when it came to me. There were bills to pay, and so the rewards lessened. Plus, I couldn’t feel it in my hands anymore. It was all electronic or plastic. The clink and clank went away.

I’ve told myself this was a good thing – to not have cash around. But is it? If it feels good, why not allow myself to keep some? It seems like such a little thing, and yet, the smile comes back just thinking about it.

Plus, it gave me the ability to buy a little drink for my daughter on a hot day when plastic wasn’t an option.

Maybe letting myself be a bit of a kid again with my money isn’t such a bad thing after all. The bills will still get paid, but letting myself enjoy the feel of money in my hand again is like letting myself play at the park with my kids again – an opportunity to “do-over” and this time, do it better while having far more fun.

What wonderful money memory do you have that you’d like to relive?

Explore more with Compass.

Learning my “Money Monster” is just a little kid in a costume – nothing to fear! I love Compass! http://ping.fm/qFlxj

AfFORmations Revisited

A while back I wrote about afFORmations (rather than affirmations) by Noah St. John PhD, and I can’t help but come back around to them again. They’ve made such a difference in my life! And they’re so simple. It’s just a matter of harnessing what your mind is already doing.

Our brains will unconsciously and consciously answer whatever question we plug into it. The problem is we usually plug in the wrong question.

For example, when it comes to money, so many of us often look at our bank accounts, get stressed about the bills to pay, compare that with all the other things we need and want, and find ourselves asking: Why isn’t there enough?

Well, when I ask myself that question I come up with thing like:

• because the economy is in bad shape and everyone’s pulling back
• because I don’t have the number of clients I need yet
• because I had to put new brakes on the car and it cost a lot more than I thought it would
• because there were unexpected medical bills
• because… because… because…

You get the idea. My mind begins to give me the answer to the question I’m asking, and honestly, it only makes me feel worse. Which doesn’t exactly motivate me to look for possibilities, or be able to get myself into a creative mindset. Instead, my shoulders get tight and I shut down. Sound familiar?

But what if I plugged in a different question? Like: Why is money so magnetically attracted to me?

• because I’m genuine, honest and take care of my clients
• because I provide value
• because I use what I wisely
• because money is a tool that I have fun with
• because… because… because…

The process is the same, but the result is different. With the right question, I’m reminded of positive things in my life, things I can build on, that make me feel good, and put me in a more creative and open mindset. My shoulders relax and there’s a smile on my face – a far more inviting posture as I walk in to meet a potential client.

What questions are you plugging in to your mind?